What Do You Do with A Drunken Pervert?
by The Animaniac Dude
Summary: naruto, fed up with Jiraiya shunning his training for drinking and women, decides to get even. in the process, he learns how many different ways there are to humiliate a man. what DO you do with a drunken pervert...? song-fic one-shot. review!


Hiya! This is animaniac dude, trying my hand at a songfic! Now, before you run away screaming, this has no pairing in it. Well, any pairing that is completely focused on. The song is a parody of _what do you do with a drunken sailor? _It's an old Irish pub song. And now, on with 'what do you do with a drunken pervert?'!

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Naruto sighed before punching a tree. That damn Ero-sennin was off drinking when he was supposed to be training him! Every time he was supposed to be training him against Akatsuki, he was off drinking! Did he honestly think the three year trip was enough? He couldn't even beat Kakuzu without massive help! He punched the tree again before rushing off. It was time for him realize it was never a good thing to ignore Naruto Uzumaki.

_What do you do with a drunken pervert?_

_What do you do with a drunken pervert?_

_What do you do with a drunken pervert, _

_Ere-laye in the morning?_

Naruto found Jiraiya, passed out in an alley near a bar. Naruto grinned before pulling out a shaving razor from his jumpsuit. Jiraiya would never know what hit him. He rolled up his pant legs and went to work on them.

_Weigh hey, and up she rises,_

_Weigh hey, and up she rises,_

_Weigh hey, and up she rises,_

_Ere-laye in the morning!_

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Jiraiya groaned and shook his head. Naruto grinned and put away the razor he was using and raced away. Three… two… one.

"AAUUUGGGGHHH! WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS!" Jiraiya screamed as Naruto ran away cackling. He nearly got away too, if he hadn't bumped straight into Kiba.

"Hey, Naruto, how's it hangin'? What'cha running from? Angry girlfriend or something?" he grinned. "I know just how you feel. Hinata can get a little cranky after a night in the-"

"No! Not that! Just, hide me!" he jumped behind Kiba just as Jiraiya ran around the corner.

"YOU!" he pointed at Naruto, who was feebly trying to hide behind Kiba. "You are so going to die, boy!"

"Why, Jiraiya-sama? What did he do to you?" Kiba asked, confused as to what was happening.

Jiraiya was about to speak, before realizing what he was going to say and sighed. "Nothing. Nothing that won't grow back, anyway. But you are still going to get it, gaki!" he walked off, rubbing his legs and wincing.

"Whew! That was a close one!" Naruto sighed before stepping out. Kiba rounded on him.

"Oh, no you don't! You're not leaving until you tell me what you did to him!" Naruto grinned.

"I shaved his legs."

_Strip his legs bare and shave the hair off,_

_Strip his legs bare and shave the hair off,_

_Strip his legs bare and shave the hair off,_

_Ere-laye in the morning!_

Kiba blinked before bursting out into laughter. "You- you what! You're kidding! That's hilarious!"

"Isn't it, though?"

"What'd he do to you?"

"Just being a drunk and a perv when he's supposed to be training me. I got fed up and now I'm pranking him whenever he gets drunk!" Kiba guffawed.

"Okay, I gotta get in on this action!" Kiba grinned before patting Naruto on the back.

"Well, then, welcome aboard!"

_Weigh hey, and up she rises,_

_Weigh hey, and up she rises,_

_Weigh hey, and up she rises,_

_Ere-laye in the morning!_

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Naruto grinned a week later at Jiraiya, once again sprawled in the same alleyway. "Okay, Kiba, what should we do this time?"

"Hmmmm…" he tapped his chin before snapping his fingers with a laugh. "I've got it!" he whispered into Naruto's ear before laughing as well.

"That's perfect! I love it!"

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Jiraiya awoke with a splash to the face of cold water. "Pfft! 'cough cough' what the hell!"

"Hey Ero-sennin! We wanted you to be awake for this! Enjoy your stay in the cellar!" and with that, Naruto tossed a writhing bundle into his lap. Jiraiya blinked before poking it. A claw shot up out of it.

"Holy hell!" and with that, the cardboard shredded and out leaped a furious animal.

_Put him in a cellar with an angry weasel,_

_Put him in a cellar with an angry weasel,_

_Put him in a cellar with an angry weasel,_

_Ere-laye in the morning!_

Naruto whooped at the cries of pain from the cellar and high fived Kiba. "Dude! That was awesome! How'd you get one of Temari's pet weasels!"

"I got Akamaru to say that it didn't have a pair! But it's in the past! We gotta top that, now!" he thought for a moment before laughing and whispering something into his ear.

Naruto blinked. "You know. Why didn't I meet you before? You could have been my wing-man for all my pranks in the academy!"

Kiba grinned. "Well, then we'll just have to make up for lost time, shall we?" they smirked.

_Weigh hey, and up she rises,_

_Weigh hey, and up she rises,_

_Weigh hey, and up she rises,_

_Ere-laye in the morning!_

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Jiraiya woke to the intense pain in his nether regions. He groaned at the pain before looking shakily around.

He could see the entirety of Konoha from wherever he was. Now, the only question was, where was he? He looked down and saw a congregation of gasping and laughing villagers, pointing up at him. He snarled. Why were they-? He looked behind him.

There, hitched on the top of the Hokage tower point, with him still in them, were his tighty whities. He screamed.

_Hang him from the top of the Hokage tower,_

_Hang him from the top of the Hokage tower,_

_Hang him from the top of the Hokage tower,_

_Ere-laye in the morning!_

Kiba and Naruto were pointing and laughing along with the rest of the crowd. "That is the best one yet! Public humiliation is so fulfilling!"

"Yeah, but how are we supposed to top this? There's not much to do after public humiliation in the pranking hierarchy! I think we can't do anymore to him with just us!" Naruto replied glumly.

"Can't do anymore to who?" Sakura asked from beside his shoulder. He screamed and jumped.

"GAHH! Sakura! Don't do that!"

"Can't do anymore to whom, Naruto?"

"See that up there?" Naruto pointed up at the screaming Jiraiya. "That, my dear Sakura, is our handiwork."

"You did-" Sakura broke out in laughter. "Hahahahaha! What did he do to deserve that?"

"Being a drunken perv."

"Hahaha! Can I join?"

Naruto grinned. "Sure, Sakura-Chan!"

_Weigh hey, and up she rises,_

_Weigh hey, and up she rises,_

_Weigh hey, and up she rises,_

_Ere-laye in the morning!_

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"No! I said no, Kiba!"

"But Naruto! It's the biggest one yet! The four main pranks! In increasing power, there's the private prank, the physical prank, the public prank, and then the moral prank! After that, it's combos of the four!"

"Well, then, we skip to the combos! We are NOT going through with this!"

"Naruto… I'm okay with it." Sakura placed her hand on his shoulder. "It's okay, nothing will happen."

"Grr… fine! But I don't trust Ero-sennin with this!"

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Jiraiya woke in a soft bed, a pair of arms wrapped around from his back. He must have gotten drunk and stopped by a brothel. Too bad he couldn't remember… he turned around to see if he could get an extra round, only to be greeted by a head of pink hair.

Sakura giggled. "I didn't know you were into younger women, Jiraiya-sama. Was it good for you?" she nuzzled him.

_Put him in bed with an underage girl,_

_Put him in bed with an underage girl,_

_Put him in bed with an underage girl,_

_Ere-laye in the morning!_

Jiraiya, to his credit, didn't scream. Without even realizing that he was fully dressed, he got up and ran like hell.

Naruto dropped down from the ceiling. "Jeez, Sakura-Chan. The way you talked, it sounded like something actually happened!"

"Well, that's the point! We were striking at his one of his only sexual boundaries! Not sleeping with underage women! His only other one is not being gay, but we're not touching that one."

"But…"

"Aww, its okay, Naruto-kun. I still like you." she pecked him on the cheek. Naruto grinned.

"Spare me the mushiness. I'm gagging over here!" Kiba dropped down, landing on his feet.

"Ah, shut up! It's not like you're any different with Hinata!"

"I beg to differ! With us, it's all hot sweaty-"

"Boys! Boys! We have a common enemy! Let's focus on him and not each other!" Naruto and Kiba remembered why they were there and immediately stopped.

_Weigh hey, and up she rises,_

_Weigh hey, and up she rises,_

_Weigh hey, and up she rises,_

_Ere-laye in the morning!_

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"Alright, let's do a supply check. I've got the rope and the pearl earrings." Sakura said.

"I've got the lard and the ashtray." Kiba showed the named items.

"And I… have the ketchup and the hermit crabs!" he dropped the scuttling crustaceans, as one had pinched his finger.

"… we don't need the ketchup, Naruto."

"but don't you think it would add to the effect?" Naruto waved his arms around wildly.

"Naruto, put the ketchup back."

"aww…" with great reluctance, he took the ketchup back and placed it in his jumpsuit. Suddenly, he noticed a completely sober Jiraiya walking along the street, bouquet of flowers behind his back. "what! Quick, everybody hide!"

Jiraiya looked straight at the scrambling ninja. "pardon me." And with that, he walked away. The trio froze.

"did he just say… pardon me?" Kiba said.

"the hell? He's never said pardon me to anyone, in the entire time I've known him!"

"and did you see the flowers? He had a full bouquet. A full bouquet! Damn!" by unspoken consensus, they followed the aging hermit from a distance.

"Oh my god… he's headed for the Hokage tower!" Naruto whispered. And indeed, he was.

"oh my god… he's going for the Hokage's office!" Kiba whispered as Jiraiya stepped inside. Inside was Tsunade, in one of her rare un-drunk moments. Jiraiya knelt down, proffering the flowers.

"for you, my sweet."

"oh, sweet Kami…" Sakura breathed, just barely. Tsunade arced an eyebrow at the display.

"what do you want? If you're looking to get laid, then you're in the wrong place. go to a brothel or some-"

"Tsunade, after one of my only morals was broken, I took a step back and examined my life. I now realize that my life is incomplete without somebody to spend the rest of it with."

"it's horrible… it's horrifying… it's horrifying, but I can't look away…" Naruto watched with wide eyes and morbid fascination as the little exchange went on.

"Tsunade, we've always kept each other at arms length because of our vices, but I want to bridge that gap. You need to just let me in…" he stood up and cupped her face. Tsunade, whose brain had died halfway in, was frozen stiff. His lips were an inch from hers…

"I can't believe I'm seeing this."

_Write him in a fanfic out of character,_

_Write him in a fanfic out of character,_

_Write him in a fanfic out of character,_

_Ere-laye in the morning!_

Jiraiya looked straight at the hidden trio with a shit-eating grin on his face. "got you."

The rest of the day was spent playing a jutsu-enhanced game of reverse-tag, with Jiraiya as 'it'. After tsunade's mental faculties were back in working order, she joined in. nobody toyed with her emotions, not even the old pervert!

_Weigh hey, and up she rises,_

_Weigh hey, and up she rises,_

_Weigh hey, and up she rises,_

_Ere-laye in the morning!_

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Orochimaru was passed out on his otokage desk, dead tired after a day of doing paperwork and killing annoying messengers. Sasuke grinned an evil grin. Nobody ignores his quest for revenge, especially not his teacher!

_What do you do with a creepy Kage,_

_What do you do with a creepy Kage,_

_What do you do with a creepy Kage, _

_Ere-laye in the morning?_

The end

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Heh-heh. I only do it to the old perv because he's my favorite. Damn you, bakamoto, for killing him! why'd you kill off my second-favorite character!

Ah well. This was the winning story of the blind poll I had you do in ASC, ASL. Next will be that. whoo! My second story is done!

Review. You know you want to.


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